Remember when I said I'd be better at writing?

Yeah... I lied. I'd like to say it's not my fault. That over the past almost entire year, I've been so incredibly busy and life has been so hectic that I couldn't possibly have found even ten minutes to write a post. But that my friends, would be just another lie. So really it's been that I've been lazy. And I'd even forgotten that I had this blog. But sometimes... I really was busy.

A lot has changed in a year. My last entry was written when I was finishing up my grad program and standing at the edge of the unknown. I had no idea where I would be working next. Hell, I didn't even really know about where I was going to be living. And here I am now, roughly 11 months later and my life is completely different. I went from living in an apartment hidden in the lobby of residence hall to living in a second floor apartment in Hawthorne, NJ. Instead of having a view out the door of a garbage can and a brick wall, I can now open my door and watch the young residents of Hawthorne make their way towards the high school. My office is no longer just down the hall. I can't roll out of bed 10 minutes before I'm supposed to be at work and still manage to look somewhat like I am prepared for the day. Now I wake up at 6:16 each day, drag myself the shower and then get ready to join the mass of commuters into NYC. I work at a publishing house. The same penguin logo that greeted me every day in elementary school on the books we'd read in class now greets me every morning as I walk into the office. Working an HR department isn't necessarily the most satisfying work -- but it's paying the bills and keeping me occupied. And it's weird because I can't imagine myself doing anything else right now.

And then there's the matter of my personal life. Eleven months ago right now, I was not planning a wedding. I wasn't even thinking about planning a wedding. And now I am. In eleven months from right now, I will be married.

A lot can happen in 11 months. Let's hope that includes me getting better at writing.

Forgive me Bloggers for I have sinned...

It has been 6 months since my last entry. And now, here I am on November 30, 2007 facing one more day until I can say, "I am graduating from my Masters program this month." That phrase scares the hell out of me. It's not that I don't want to leave Wagner. The truth is, I'm more than ready to go. I think I've gotten all I can out of this job. School is no longer an enjoyable experience for me anymore. It's tiring and I find myself struggling to put forth the effort I know I am capable. But what is terrifying me is the fact that in front of me is complete uncertainty.

I'm not completely lost in terms of my future. I have goals and plans, but it seems like a lot has to happen before I can get there. Most frustrating of all is the fact that certain things that are almost completely out of control have to fall into place before I can get from point A to point B. For example, someone needs to hire me. I can interview all I want and send out a million resumes, but that's not going to do me any good until someone decides they like me. Hopefully that will happen soon. All I'll say is that I have a few avenues that I'm exploring right now, but I don't want to get too into detail. For some reason, as long as I don't document it here, once I fail, it might not hurt as badly.

The bottom line here is that I'm scared. And for some reason, I'm more scared than I was when I was graduating from my undergraduate school. I have theories as to why that might be, but I won't bore you with those now. In fact, I'd like to take this time to apologize for my whining about this, but I guess I haven't really had an outlet for it until now. Up until now, I've been sharing these thoughts with my friends, my sister, and my boyfriend. All of them have said the same thing. "Don't worry, it will work out. You'll be fine." Yes, I know that... but I also want to hear that what I'm feeling is okay. That's it's okay and completely normal to be scared. Sometimes I think getting it out is what helps. But sometimes I also think holding it inside might help. Like I said before, if you never tell anyone what you are pursuing, when you fail it's like it never even happened.

At this point, I guess I've gone on long enough -- but I'd like to thank whoever for reading this. I know it's never easy to read someone's pity party. Anyway, I promise I will try to write more. And I promise I'll try to whine less.

my MLB career

If I were in the MLB, my at bat song would be "Bad Company" by Bad Company.

If I were a closing pitcher, the song I would run in to would be "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult.

If I were in the MLB, I'd be pretty badass.

My new best friend

I've always been a bit of a loner. Growing up, I felt really different from most people I went to school with. A lot of that is because of being one of the handful of people in the town and school system with any sort of color to them. People joke about Ridgewood, NJ being "Rich White," New Jersey. This is no joke. It's just a statement of fact. Anyhow, this isn't saying that I didn't have friends. I've always had friends. Even so, there were a lot of things that I could not relate to with people. I just felt like my family did things differently and my parents had different rules and ways of thinking. So sometimes, the easiest person to relate to was myself.

This is something that hasn't changed. I'm still a really social person. I like having a lot of friends and being around them most of the time. But especially recently, I've been desiring to spend more time alone. I wonder if this is because I'm realizing that regardless of anything else, I'm always going to have me. I can never take a break from being with me.

There have been times in my life where I think I would do anything to always spend time with someone else because I felt weird just being by myself, or I'd feel like I was missing out on something. Now, I don't know. I really just prefer to be by myself. I think part of it could be because I live where I work so I see everyone all the time and it's rare when I get some time alone.

I'm hoping though it's because I'm starting to like and accept who I am a little more and that really, I sort of just want to hang out with myself. I'm pretty easy to get along with.

Waiting for my life to begin?

I was talking to a co-worker today about how I can't wait to graduate and start my "real life." A few hours later, I got to thinking about the conversation and how I've been saying that phrase a lot recently. At the end of 2007, I will be coming close to graduating with my MBA and getting a job and not being in a school environment. This is what I'm considering to be starting my "real life."

But... haven't I already done that? I have a job right now and I'm in school -- but being in school doesn't mean I'm not living a life. I don't know why I have always equated being out of school as having a real life. Maybe it's because being out of school seems like something "adults" do. All of these terms are so arbitrary. I am 23 years old. I am an adult. I also realize that I equate being married to being an adult. But just because I'm not married doesn't mean I am not an adult. I guess I still feel very dependent on my mom because I don't really have a sufficient income and I still live in a residence hall, so I see myself as not really an adult.

Regardless, this whole "real life" thing is sort of an unfair judgment to pass on myself. I am living a life. My life just includes living and working in a residence hall, going to class, and existing in a college atmosphere. I wonder if I will feel any more "adult" or "real" when I am done here and living on my own or when (if) I am married.

Maybe I should start saying "different life" instead of "real life." Life began when I was born. It's about time I realized that.

spring fever

The idea of bringing daylight savings three weeks earlier has affected me in many ways. Some good, some not so good.

1. For some reason, I find myself surrounded by clocks. And not just clocks that exist where I go, but clocks that I am responsible for. I didn't realize how many places I can find the time in my tiny tiny apartment. There is the clock on the computer (which thankfully changed itself) the clock on my cell phone (which also changed itself), the clock on the microwave, the clock on my desk, my alarm clock, the clock in my car, the clock on my tv. I never realized how surrounded by time I am. And yet, I somehow never know what time it is! I used to wear a watch, which would be another clock to change, but for some reason I haven't worn one in over a year.

2. Being a graduate student means having night classes. In my case, it also means living in a dorm, oh sorry - residence hall - which means I do not subscribe to the wonderful device of TiVo. My point is, I have to tape a lot of TV shows so I can watch them. One of my favorite shows is 24, which is on at 9pm on Mondays. On a typical Monday night this semester, you can find me sitting in my International Business seminar, not in front of the TV watching Jack Bauer save the world... much to my dismay. Anyhow, my TV does not know that daylight savings came three weeks early this year. I mean, how could it? It's a TV. Luckily, I was able to adjust the time manually on my TV, but imagine if I had forgotten? How long would it have taken me to realize that my TV was doing its job right, it was just unaware of what time it was.

3. Which brings me to my next, and probably most irritating point. My alarm clock. I love my alarm clock. It sets itself! So, if there's a black out, or I just happen to unplug it, the second I plug it back in, it will reset itself. Well... like my TV, my alarm clock has no idea that daylight savings came early this year. Right now, it reads 3:53pm when in fact, it is actually 4:53 pm. You may be wondering, "What's the big deal? Change it like you changed your TV." Believe me, I thought of that too. Wrong! My wonderful smart clock doesn't have an option for a person to change the time manually, cause well, that's it's job. So until the real daylight savings comes, I have to set the clock for an hour earlier than I actually want to wake up. Not a big deal really, but it's still so hard to bring myself to set the clock for 7:15 am. Also, being that this is my alarm clock, I'm a bit concerned that I will get screwed over when the time does change and my alarm goes off once it has adjusted itself appropriately... meaning I will actually wake up at 7:15 am one day. Better too early than too late, I suppose.

4. I've always associated Daylight Savings with the coming of warm weather. It's light out for later in the day and the weather starts to change. It was a little over 60 degrees today and though I couldn't actually spend much time outside, just knowing about it made me feel better. I can use sunlight as the main light source in my apartment for a little bit longer. The spring time always makes me really appreciate the simple pleasures in life. It always brings me out of the winter time slump I find myself in year after year.

yawn!

It's really not fair how I can never be sleepy when I need to be. I never feel more tired than when I don't want to move, but I have to because I have to be some where, or when I'm sitting in class. And I have no problem keeping my eyes open at 12:30 am when I am laying comfortably in bed.

What's even more ironic/irritating is that the process of getting ready for bed always wakes me up. Often, I'll be falling asleep on the couch and so I force myself to get up, take out my contacts, and brush my teeth before climbing into my glorious bed. Without fail, I go through the process and then I'm wide awake. Why can't I be sleepy at appropriate times?

I'm sure there is actually a physiological reason for this, but on the surface, it really just seems like nature's cruel joke.